R.S. Williams

All I want is to get the words right.

Tag: Nashville

If Blake Shelton Is the Sexiest Man Alive, Then I Am the Jolly Green Giant

So People Magazine has declared country singer [sic] Blake Shelton their 2017 Sexiest Man Alive. And this country music scholar HAS SOME STRONG OPINIONS.

Sexiest Man Alive? In what universe? Have we just stopped trying, as a society? (Wait, no, don’t answer that.) Y’all, I can go to any bar in any town on a Friday night and find half a dozen middle-aged white dudes who look just like this. Standing on any street in downtown Nashville, I can throw a rock with my eyes closed and hit 20 Shelton look-alikes. It’s a goddamn travesty.

Hell, I could browse my Facebook friends list and easily find a couple hundred men who are sexier than Blake Shelton, plus none of them have cheesy-ass redneck stereotype tattoos. Nor do any of them look like everybody’s ne’er-do-well uncle who’s 48 and still lives at home but dresses like he’s 18 and just stepped out of an Ed Hardy catalog photo shoot. (Don’t act like you don’t know which uncle I’m talking about.) Mmmmmmmm, smell that entire can of Axe body spray he fumigated himself with put on before exiting his room.

Jesus, Mary, and Johnny Cash help us.

Who’s sexier than Blake Shelton? We’ve all got our picks, but I’d like to present my favorite: the great Buddy Miller. Here’s my photo of him from his AmericanaFest 2014 show:

This man is 65 years old and even on his worst days is still sexier than Blake Shelton. AND! He doesn’t make shitty country music.

People Magazine really needs to rethink this whole Sexiest Man Alive deal. Or at least NOT make it so cheap that any middling country star with a regular role on a TV “talent” show can buy the title for $25,000. Means about as much as a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which costs about the same—and there are upwards of 5,000 of those damn things making Tinseltown sidewalks that much uglier.

Since you asked (and I know you didn’t, but too bad, because I’m telling you anyway) here’s my definitive list of things that are sexier than Blake Shelton:

Bronchitis
A dirty litter box
2 gallons of mayonnaise
The rear view mirror on a ’92 Oldsmobile
Stewed tomatoes
The Pruitt-Igoe implosion
A colonoscopy
Merkins
Stale Coors Light
A partially demolished CMU wall
No. 10 envelopes
Dentures
An outboard motor
Partially-used roll of tracing paper
MRI room doors
Conjunctivitis
Tom Petty’s ghost
Mortgage insurance
Creepy church fans
Dental floss
Murphy’s Oil Soap
205R65 steel-belted radials
Store-brand maxi pads
Any K-Tel Kenny Rogers box set
A 22-ounce framing hammer
The Microsoft Excel formula for compound interest
Elevation drawings of any Frank Gehry building
The ladies’ restroom on Saturday night at the Flora-Bama Club

Seriously: If Blake Shelton is the Sexiest Man Alive, then my 5’2″ ass is the Jolly Green Giant. Now, if y’all will excuse me, I’m gonna sit over here in the corner and drink bourbon (neat) while I sing “Does My Ring Burn Your Finger.”

© R.S. Williams (all rights reserved)

Friday Photo: 6/2/17

“Bass Fiddle at Rest”
Nashville, Tennessee – 21 May 2015

© R. S. Williams (all rights reserved)

 

Friday Photo: 3/10/17

“Mother Church Windows”
Ryman Auditorium
Nashville, Tennessee – 16 September 2015

© R.S. Williams (all rights reserved)

 

Waiting, with Graphic Patterns

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Nashville, Tennessee – 18 September 2015

© R.S. Williams (all rights reserved)

 

Wednesday Photo: 10/5/16

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“Downtown Nashville, Tuesday, 6:00 PM”
Nashville, Tennessee – 2 August 2016

© R. S. Williams (all rights reserved)

 

Wednesday Photo: 9/21/16

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“Late Night, Lower Broadway”
Nashville, Tennessee – 19 September 2015

© R. S. Williams (all rights reserved)

 

Bluegrass and Pabst

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David Peterson & 1946, at the legendary Station Inn
Nashville, Tennessee – 22 May 2015

© R. S. Williams (all rights reserved)

 

Hillside Monday: 7/25/16

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“One Way to Get To Nashville”
Pure Life Studios
LaGrange, Georgia – 26 June 2015

© R. S. Williams (all rights reserved)

 

 

Another Quiet Moment in Nashville

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Waffle House #511
Nashville, Tennessee – 17 September 2015

© R. S. Williams (all rights reserved)

 

A Quiet Moment in Nashville

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Nashville, Tennessee – 16 September 2015

© R. S. Williams (all rights reserved)

 

Bass Fiddle, at Rest

 

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Nashville, Tennessee – 21 May 2015

© R. S. Williams (all rights reserved)

 

Wednesday Photo: 5/4/16

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“Dilapidated and Dignified”
Nashville, Tennessee – 25 May 2014
© R. S. Williams (all rights reserved)

 

Ladies’ Room Floor, Mercy Lounge

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Nashville, Tennessee – 18 September 2014

© R. S. Williams (all rights reserved)

 

Wednesday Photo: 10/7/15

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“The View from Next to the Ryman”
Nashville, Tennessee – 16 September 2015

© R. S. Williams (all rights reserved)

 

Bluegrass and Pabst

BluegrassAndPabst_COPY2_2015-05-22_23.06.01

David Peterson & 1946, at the legendary Station Inn
Nashville, Tennessee – 22 May 2015

© R. S. Williams (all rights reserved)

 

Intermission, Part 1

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The Station Inn
Nashville, Tennessee – 22 May 2015

© R. S. Williams (all rights reserved)

© 2017 R.S. Williams

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